June 2022

June. A torrid time, The 6th month. Derived from Juno, a powerful Roman goddess the protector of marriage and childbirth.

I only made it out with my life. Been a stormy while. I sit back and I'm forced to ponder why I had to go through the experiences, some wounded me, some left a vacuum which can't be filled soon.

The sun and the reason for my smile was taken from me. Replaced with fire and brimstone. The goddess watched in akimbo as anguish and tears became my rhythm. Pillows soaked, not from the awkward weather of Manchester, but from the tears of a weary eyes.

Darkness, an old friend plummeted me into the depths of depression. A dungeon laced with poison to the soul. A stench of failure and echoes of defeat embraces me as I brace the cold metallic bars of my cell.

I commanded the earth, but she didn't yeild. I sang to the winds but she became fiery. I basked in solitude as everything crumbled. Dreams, blueprints and capitals were consumed by a raging fire. I watched them turn to ashes.

Alas, the calm after the storm. The waters are still, the sun smiling again. Though battered, I believe joy comes in the morning. A new song awaits

dear me

Dear me.

It's alright to be hurt, it's alright to be scared of losing who you love. But most importantly forgive, let go, heal and continue to love.

Most importantly hold no resentment. It's alright to seek reassurance, try to conquer doubts, a doubtful mind is a weak mind. A weak mind becomes insecure in a relationship. 

In the process of recovering, don't let despair and hurt overwhelm your love for her. Healing takes time. Don't overthink it. Loved, loves, love.

I once loved her, still love her will continue to love her. But the question is , do I deserve this kind of love?

who am I?

Cheers to the darkest days, cheers to the sunniest days.

This is a letter to me, a letter from me, a letter by me. How I wish things were and would be. I'm a young man, facing the world, a bit queer charactered. Simple yet complex.

How I wish I'd communicate open mindedly, how I wish I'd learn to trust completely. How I wish I wouldn't let my fears throw doubts into my thoughts. I've been raised to see the good in humans, to see the selfless acts and to act selfless. Life from my own aspect is of servitude. You serve, you give. How much more do we really have to give? The big question I face everyday; do we give to receive? What happens when you don't receive as much as you give? Is this fair?

A man is characterized by his past. His experiences influence whom he is. I myself gained some crazy experiences at a young age. I ventured into the emotional side of things way too early for my liking. The outcome wasn't a favourable one. I'm left with a scar, a scar covered up from years of hiding from the truth. A scar which until recently surfaced at my attempt to face the truth. 

Trust is like blood pressure. It's silent, Vital to good health and if abused can be very deadly- Frank Sonnenberg

Trusting people without any affiliated emotions is a lot easier than trusting people affiliated with emotions. You trust the former and expect the worst. You try to trust the later but you get scared of expecting the worst. The fear of being hurt, the fear of reopening a scar. You'd literally feel the hurt in your heart, loud heartbeats, restlessness and in some situations the inability to sleep. The loss of appetite which accompanies fear is like the yin attached to the Yang. There's a whole lot to the recovery process, in other to recover, you need to be assured by someone, you need to reveal your fears and hope that very person sticks by you all through.

No man for any considerable period can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude without finally getting bewildered as to which maybe true- Nathaniel Hawthorne

Every veil secretly desires to be lifted except the veil of hypocrisy- Richard Garnett

Am I who I say I am? Am I the man standing in the mirror? Is there a beast behind the man I claim to be? I preach peace, love, kindness, selflessness. But is that who I really am? I've interacted with lots of people on my few years on earth whom could vouch for me. Basking in thoughts, I ask; am I a beast? do I quest for violence? Does chaos give me joy? I've been called a trouble maker, deep down I ask; do I really crave for trouble or am I being misunderstood? I long for an answer to these. This guilt welcomes the trial by fire. Let the flames consume the very sole by which I roam the earth and let the man (if there be any) behind the veil be revealed as the flames burn them away.

There is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved- George Sand

A loving heart is the truest wisdom- Charles Dickens

Love doesn't make the world go round, love makes the ride worthwhile- Franklin Jones

Is Love really worth the hype? We preach love yet so much hate is embedded within the heart. Am i really in love or am I scared of being alone? What's my definition of love? Love is being the reason for a change. I've been loved, I've loved. Love is a man's strength and at the same time his greatest weakness. Do we love to be loved back? Do we give Love to receive Love?  Love is like a transaction. Every transaction has a value, you give cash for something worth it. the love given should be worth the love received

Love is a bitter sweet experience, one minute you're in ecstasy, another minute you're trying to calm your blood pressure. Permit me to disagree with Mr Charles, A loving heart is foolish. And foolish I choose to be.

Remembering that I'd be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything, all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure- these things just fall away in the face of death leaving only what is important----Steve Jobs

Ego seeks to divide and separate, spirit seeks to unify and heal- Pena chordon 

Ego- three letters that hold you back from saying things your heart longs to say- Unknown

My pride I've learned to keep in check, my ego I have surrendered. Humility I have come to embrace.